Being that I was born under the sign of Scorpio, I was destined to be a woman with secrets.
I married an Army soldier when I was eighteen years old. We had known each other for merely a month when he asked for my hand, and one month later we stood before the preacher to exchange the vows. I have often asked myself "why in the world did we do that?". I have never been quite sure what his reasons were, but I've always known my own. They were secrets that I tried to keep, but everyone around me found them painfully obvious.
I had grown tired of waiting up until three o'clock every morning for my mother and her boyfriend to come home from the bar, and then trying to catch a few hours of sleep before the school bus came. I was tired of all the times that he had come home alone, having abandoned her in a parking lot, sometimes beaten. I was sick of my mother relying on me to be her best friend, but never having the time or interest to be mine. I had been mentally abused, humiliated, neglected and ignored. I decided that what I really needed to be was gone, and the best way that I think of to do that was to be married.
We had our daughter right away, and our son five years later. During those years, the only secrets I had were the ones I kept from my family back home. The ones that had to do with our mounting debt, the drug sampling, and special interest in pornography. How he had been an unfaithful husband, and so I had become an unfaithful wife. By the end of our eight year marital train wreck, I had become a shining example of a gold star liar. I had more secrets than the CIA, and I had learned to keep them well.
Just before the divorce, I had gone through a period of self discovery, and a spiritual awakening, that opened my eyes to the reflection in the mirror. I did not like the person I had become. I was not happy with myself, or with the life that I had created by my own choices. I was ready for a change, and I had met a new man whom I was sure would be worth it all.
We were together for a year before he asked for my hand, and another year after that before we stood in the county courthouse to exchange the vows. I have never asked myself why, because it was evident. We loved each other. We were good together. We had each learned the worst of each other, and were able to bring out the best in each other. In the process of creating a life together, we had two children of our own. I grew into an honest and respectable person, sensitive and compassionate, a good friend, a loving and doting wife and mother ...with mental health issues.
Now, in the beginning of my middle age, I have found that I still have my secrets. Like most women, they are the thoughts and feelings that I keep to myself, so as not hurt to the people that I truly love. They are the tarnished aspects of my personality and character that I hide, in order to uphold the shining perception that others seem to have of my life. They are the scars of painful past experiences that seem incapable of healing, and repetitively haunt my mind. They are the moments of doubt that I struggle to keep from becoming moments of regret.
Why The Blog?
This blog is the keeper of my secrets, as some of them are too heavy for me to bear on my own, and some of them are just so intriguing, they can hardly be contained. It is my sounding board, and my megaphone. There may be others out there who have similar secrets, and can relate to mine. Or there may be others out there who seek to satisfy a curiosity of what particular creatures swim freely in the darker recesses of a woman's mind.
My particular brand of crazy can be difficult to survive...
but it can also be a whole hell of a lot of fun!
